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 For author and activist Adrienne Maree Brown, loving herself in a society that does not often love Black women has been a journey. “I started to realize that not loving myself was actually rooted in much of the oppression that I faced, and loving myself would be a radical counter to that oppression,” Brown told me by phone, while intermittently doing her dishes. “It was a liberating act to realize that I actually started off as a miraculous and unconditionally lovable being.” The idea that she was not lovable didn’t come from within her, Brown said, but from external forces that were “rooted in capitalism, rooted in patriarchy, rooted in white supremacy, rooted in ableism and fatphobia.”

Romantic love is framed as the cultural gold standard, deserving of a series of parties and kitchen appliances and conferring status on the married and partnered, especially on Valentine’s Day. Loving yourself, having a relationship with yourself at all, is less-talked-about, but many believe it’s the true key to romantic love. Darling doesn’t mince words on her website: “Unless you fully love yourself, your intimate relationships will be a shitshow.” Quoth cult favorite Peloton instructor Cody Rigsby: “You’ll never get a boo if you don’t love you.”

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